I am amused and perplexed at how often I find myself in places where I feel I belong, and yet don't. It's not that fish-out-of-water feeling, rather it's a feeling of being a goldfish in open seas, or a marlin in a 100 gallon tank. It's knowing that you're in your element and yet ... something is seriously dis-harmonic. Such feelings have been on the rise for me these past several days.
This feeling is not unfamiliar to me. It is one I have nurtured intimacy with for as long as I can remember, and when I stand dead center in the core of the feeling - in my Truth - and Express myself from that place, I'm often judged - and not with kindness. As a little girl I learned to keep such expression to myself. As I grew I learned to express the feelings in subjective ways, ways that were somehow abstract and more acceptable. As I grew older still, I realized the value in both of these means ...
Keeping such feelings in my pocket and holding back the expression of them has offered me opportunity to get very close and intimate with my Truth, closer perhaps than others ever do. It has also taught me the power of witnessing in silence. Keeping such feelings in my pocket and holding back has also taught me to never shy away from creative expression.
Folks who know me well may be perplexed in reading this, for I am often perceived as candid and direct, and this is true - especially when I am asked. There are times when I speak my truth forthrightly, yet there are far more times when I hold it in my pocket and quietly witness the occurrences around me.
As I grow older still, into the place that I am now, skirting the threshold of cronehood, I feel my lifeforce, my truths, my very spirit swelling within me ... and lacking the method of escape - dare I say Expression - it and I have grown accustomed to for almost forty years, and I wonder.
And I smile. And I feel for the people I share this life with. For they will love me. Or they will not. And I'm ready.